AS I REFLECT...

Actually reflect is hardly the word to describe it. I think, as I "zoom-reflect" over the year that is coming to an end..I think I can heave a big sigh of relief. I doubt that over the next few days I would actually have anytime to just sit back in a quiet place, open my journal (the old diary..been keeping one since I was 12 years old) and just reflect. My kid is starting school tomorrow, then my in laws will be back from Perth this weekend and I still have to do one more ward round on Saturday. I can foresee a lot of driving and very little time for anything else ( did I mention I hate driving?).

I used to do that u know, I mean, reflect. Back when I was a young guy, no commitments, no screaming and crying kids fighting over the darn plastic figurine of Peter (from Narnia) dished out with the Mac Donald's Happy Meal (How can they call it "Happy" when I don't even feel any sort of elation!), no house chores to do, no calling the painter to paint my old house with flaky paint on the walls, no mounting credit card bills to pay, no Christmas tree to take down (it's double the time and half the fun compared to putting it up), no New Year dinners to attend, no church service to go to (where I will be again reminded of my "covenant" with God last year which I have broken by February 2005, or was it earlier?), no sheer fatigue from work, no worrying over my thesis (oh, btw, I got another 8 patients today...only 961 to go!), etc etc..

Yup, it was just me and the quiet moments then. Me and my God. I could go through all my triumphs and failures, tell them to God, beg for forgiveness, pour out my gratitude to Him for His mercies and blessings, resolve to start anew, asking for strength to be a better person.

I am not complaining. I love my family and kids. They are the best part of my life! And the commitments that come with them are a given. I gladly take them up.

So, in a super-duper zoom reflection, I think the year has been a good year. Well, I did PASS my exam!! I swear it had to be the worst exam I have ever taken in my life! Only by God's grace did I pass. I did mature and move on in many ways. My kids have given me so much joy. My wife has been a pillar of strength to me. It is also a joy to see my patients get well. Even more joyful when they remember me quite some time later even when all I could remember of them is a vague feeling I have seen them before (sort of like dejavu). The gratefulness in their eyes more than compensate any short comings of working in the civil service.

But I have lost many patients too. I have seen a lot of grief in their loved ones left behind. I have stood alongside wailing families strickened with grief when told that the one they love was no longer here. I have had problems in my family too. My kids have this capacity toof being angels one second and behaving like primates the next. My wife and I had our fair share of quarrels and misunderstandings. I have compromised on my principles and beliefs many times, each time scarring my heart just that little bit more. I had ran very fast, many times..but in the wrong direction. I have changed. We all have. It's inevitable.

So, as the year draws to an end...I thank God. I thank Him for a wonderful year, a year with many ups and downs, joys and sorrows, blessings and despairs, for my family, for my work which I so enjoy, for my parents who still treat me like a 5 year old (all guys need to be pampered once in a while), my brother who so gladly let me take up a room in his house in KL, my friends who supported me, prayed for me, cheered me on, my patients who unknowingly have rewarded me with much joy just by getting well, my superiors who guided me, my fellow colleagues who are a pleasure to work and fight with (heh heh!)...but most of all, I thank God for being there for me, all the time.

We all change, I am so glad that God is unchanging. And because He is unchanging, His love for me, His grace and mercy for me, His pleasure in me, cannot be any MORE or any LESS than the day when I first came into this world, kicking and screaming! :-) Thank you Lord. He had me at Hello...

Happy New Year to all of you! The New Year will surely bring with it new challenges, new possibilities and new surprises aplenty! Can't wait!

Ok...time to make a new COVENANT.

THESIS

On MC today...just feel so horrible. Not sure if it's the post Christmas celebration or what. My body aches, my head weighs a ton, my eyes burn, I can feel a fever, my throat is parched and there's a hint of a cough coming. Arrgh!

So I had to take a Medical Leave today. The weather must be reflecting my condition,it hasn't stopped drizzling since morning. Sigh! I did take the opportunity to clean up my room. Something I have been putting off since the exam got over. The amount of dust collected is unbelieveable! And the amount of medical notes I have tucked away in every nook and cranny is just amazing! I even found my John Denver MP3 collection at the back of some files!

Ok, Ok, the guy's dead and his songs aren't exactly contemporary. But in his life time he did write and sang a few songs that really touched me. Ever listened to the lyrics? Listening to his sonngs usually transport me, in my mind, to some high mountain somewhere where there is peace and serenity. There I am at peace, I feel happy and I feel closer to God.

Anyway, now that I have a bit of time, and my head is a little less heavy (after the panadol I took), I start to think about my thesis. In my final year, I have to do a dissertation. The topic of my thesis is "The Prevalence of Erectile Dysfunction Amongst Patients with Ischemic Heart Disease". Or simply put in layman's terms "How Many Guys with a Heart Problem also have a Woody Problem"

The plan of attack was to recruit male patients attending the heart disease clinic in my hospital. My target is to get about 1000 patients! And I had hoped to finish it by June next year. Looking at the yield I have now from the last 3 weeks, no one can fault me for being pessimistic. So far I only managed to get 31 patients. That's an average of 8 patient per clinic, a far cry from the target of 20 patients per clinic! Sigh!

So,I have decided to start a count down here. I am being optimistic here. Another way to look at it is to say "there're only 969 patients more to recruit!!!!". Expect me to metamorphosize from cool to worried to panic and hysterical when the dateline draws near!!!! Gulp!

Suicides

I see at least 2 to 3 patients in my ward EACH day who are admitted for an overdose of this or that substance in an attempt to kill themselves. Of course they were unsuccessful (otherwise, they would be in the morgue instead of my ward). The favourite sunstances ingested are Paracetamol (Panadol), Insecticides, Pesticides, Herbicides, Sleeping tablets, Medications belonging to a close relative, the occasional Chlorox, hair dye, shampoo etc etc.

The story is always the same. The psychiatrists call it a stressor. A nice clinically sterile word to convey "cause of suicide". From my experience, the main stressor is some kind of relationship problem. The stories range from the scolding from a loved one or figure of authority to the love triangle/quadrangle/hexa-angle...whatever, gone wrong. I once attended to a guy whose partner (another guy) was having an affair with A who had an affair with B and C while C secretly loves A. There was also D, E and F all thrown into a very very complicated web of intrigue. The most frequent stressor has to be the betrayal from a spouse or boy/girl friend when their infidelity were discovered.

Other causes include the loss of job, the pressure from loan sharks, overwhelming stress at work, depression...the list is long. But the root is the same. It's a sense of overwhelming loss, of utter abandonment and loneliness. Suicides, not surprisingly, tend to peak in the festive periods. And this Christmas is no exception. There's also the New Year and then the Chinese New Year coming ahead!

Much of the time, when I see them in the ward, I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I just don't know how to help them. It would be too physically and emotionally taxing. So, I maintain a clinical distance. Sort out the physical damage done by the substances ingested (for example, panadol in excess of 10 tablet (5 gram) would damage the liver) and leave the psychology part to my fellow colleagues in psychiatry. I know they don't do much either. Much of the time, it a prescription for anti-depressant of some sort is given.

The physical is taken care of. The emotional may be palliated. The spiritual is ignored.

Do I feel for them? God knows I do. I quote the cliche phrase..."Been there, done that". Yes, I do. I understand the tremendous amount of pain and stress that must have driven them to the point where they want to end it all. I have felt that way before. I was "lucky". I have God. I have a brother who quietly sat with me in a car at a parking lot years ago while I poured out my anguish, despair and frustration. I had hit rock bottom.

A lot of people think these people are stupid to attempt to kill themselves. Religion says its a sin. Some times I feel that way too. Sometimes I just want to grab my patients by the arms and shake some senses into them! But until you have been there yourself, you will never understand the utter hopelessness that they feel.

God is good to me. I pray for my patients, may they also find hope in the midst of their despair. May they have some one who could sit there and listen and pray for them. Some one to weather the storm with them. Someone to tell them "it's okay, I am here for you, we will work this through this together". May they find God. After all, when you have hit rock bottom, the only way to go is UP!

A Man Who Spoke What's In My Heart

I subscribe emails from a group on Yahoogroups. The owner of the group writes an inspirational email once a week, mainly to encourage us who are Christians on our own personal pilgrimage. Below is his Christmas message:

GRACE@WORK MAIL 51/05
[December 23rd 2005 Edition]


eCOMMENTARY: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas...

Did you know that:

*Men and women who felt the most loved and supported had
substantially less blockage in their coronary arteries.

*Men and women with heart disease who were single and lacked
confidants were three times as likely to have died after
five years.

*Married men who feel that their wives showed them love had
significantly less angina.

The above findings were quoted by Dean Ornish, Clinical
professor of medicine at the University of California San
Francisco [Dean Ornish, “Love Is Real Medicine” Newsweek
International Edition, October 17 th 2005, 39]. In his
article, Ornish says:

“Medicine today focuses primarily on drugs and surgery,
genes and germs, microbes and molecules. Yet love and
intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what
makes us well.
[Therefore] when we understand the connection between how we
live and how long we live, its easier to make different
choices. Instead of viewing the time we spend with friends
and family as luxuries, we can see that these relationships
are among the most powerful determinants of our well being
and survival.”

This seems like a lot of work and a lot of words to confirm
what God had told us a long, long time ago. That it was not
good for man to be alone. [I secretly believe that given
enough time, science will support all that is already in the
bible.]
Which is why Christmas is such a devastating time for many,
especially in countries and societies where Christmas is
also the time for family reunions.

For many, it suddenly hits home that they have no families
to go home to, and the many who do, prefer not to precisely
because they know what is waiting for them at home.

It is truly tragic that humanity pours so much effort and
resources to tackle a myriad of problems but ignore such a
fundamental one -- the loneliness of modern man.
If modern life is characterized primarily by individualism,
competition and isolation, then more and more of us are
going to be sick.

I also suspect there is a more prior and more fundamental
loneliness at work. As James Houston puts it, “If it is true
that God made us for himself, then without God we are bound
to live with an underlying frustration and unhappiness.”

Perhaps one of the reasons we are so frustrated with human
relationships is that we expect our human companions to meet
that need we have for divine companionship and invariably
they fail. We lash out in our frustration and lose even the
human companions we have.

It would seem to make sense then that we address this prior
loneliness apart from which we can never be completely
connected to anyone else.
Jesus said: “Now this is eternal life:that they know you,
the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you sent.” [John
17:3 TNIV]
The only way to cure our basic loneliness is to enter into a
relationship, i.e. know, the living God through Jesus
Christ.
Many do not know God and so loneliness is pandemic
especially at Christmas.
The media recognizes this.

One of my all time favourite X-Files Episode is “How The
Ghosts Stole Christmas” [Season 6, Episode 6]. In this
episode, Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin guest star brilliantly as
two ghosts that appear only on Christmas eve to hammer home
the utter loneliness of human existence to any couple
staying in the house they haunted, thereby driving the
couple to despair and suicide.

Here is the dialogue that introduces the ghosts in question.

Mulder: "Christmas, 1917. It was a time of dark, dark
despair. American soldiers were dying at an ungodly rate in
a war-torn Europe while at home, a deadly strain of the flu
virus attacked young and old alike. Tragedy was a visitor on
every doorstep while a creeping hopelessness set in with
every man, woman and child. It was a time of dark, dark
despair."
Scully: "You said that."
Mulder: "But here at 1501 Larkspur Lane for a pair of
star-crossed lovers tragedy came not from war or pestilence
— not by the boot heel or the bombardier — but by their own
innocent hand."
Scully: "Go on."
Mulder: "His name was Maurice. He was a... a brooding but
heroic young man beloved of Lyda, a sublime beauty with a
light that seemed to follow her wherever she went. They were
likened to two angels descended from heaven whom the gods
could not protect from the horrors being visited upon this
cold, grey earth."
Scully: "And what happened to them?"
Mulder: "Driven by a tragic fear of separation they forged a
lovers' pact, so that they might spend eternity together and
not spend one precious Christmas apart."
Scully: "They killed themselves?"
Mulder: "And their ghosts haunt this house every Christmas
Eve."

[Disclaimer: I don't believe in ghosts as they are usually
portrayed in the entertainment media though I do believe in
evil spirits. Yes, you can delete that email you were about
to send to rebuke my allusion to ghosts.]

The episode also uses the song “Have Yourself A Merry Little
Christmas” to powerful effect. It gets my vote for saddest
song ever, well at least saddest Christmas song.

Christmas is also such a lonely time because the slogans of
the season promise so much yet many of us experience our
lives as being so far removed from what is promised in the
slogans.
This is truly ironic because one of the names of the person
who came at Christmas two thousand years ago is Immanuel,
God with us.

The God of Christmas is not a God who stays far away. This
is a God who knows our need for connecting to Him and to
others. After all he made us. And He does not want us to be
alone. Hence He came to us.
He is indeed knocking on the doors of our hearts.
But we often treat him as some ghostly figure, hoping that
if we ignore Him He will go away.

But Jesus is no ghost. On the contrary, He rose from the
dead to show that He has triumphed over death and despair
and stands ready with the gifts of life and love, knocking.
And if He is not in our lives, we will always be
divine-lonely.

Christians too need to discover and rediscover this truth.
Often we have invited Jesus into our lives but keep Him in
our heads. So many of us live Christian lives defined by
doctrine and activism and wonder why we are as lonely as the
rest of the world.

Why don't we do something radical this Christmas.
Instead of our usual rushing around to the never ending
round of church Christmas activities, why don't we carve out
a quiet moment alone or with a few good friends, and commune
with the God in our hearts.

And instead of badgering our non Christian friends to
another glitzy bells and whistle Christmas evangelistic
programme, why don’t we invite one to a cup of coffee and
ask how they are doing and take the time to listen to the
answers.

Give him or her the gifts of love, hearing, focus, and the
time that makes it happen.
Who knows, he or she may take a second look at the Jesus you
claim dwells in your heart.
Because your friend really isn’t interested in the one that
dwells in the mall.

People are not dying for lack of entertainment,
ecclesiastical or otherwise. They are dying for love.
They need to know His Name is Immanuel.
They need to know Him.


Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan

Write me!
At: sooinn@graceatwork.org

PS. Advent Greetings!
To all readers of this column, I wish a blessed Christmas!
Thank you for journeying with me through the ecommentaries.
May the reality of God and His love be more real to you this
Christmas and the year ahead!

Desperate Housewives

Have been spending the last week or so watching the first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD, courtesy of the ever resourceful Maz. It's another one of the shows that I had to stop myself from watching when I was preparing for my exam. Ironically, I got hooked on DH WHILE preparing for the exam. It used to come on at 10.30 pm on Tuesdays, right about the time when I would be exhausted from studying and taking a break. I never got to finish a single episode, guilt being the prime emotion I felt then. I mean, what's more important than studying then? Not even the sight of 4 very very VERY beautiful women on the series was about to tempt me off my studies.

Ah, but NOW....the exam seems like a distant memory. And so, whenever I had the time in the night, I would treat myself to an episode or two of DH. Compared to LOST (which I haven't finished btw...because my better half wants to watch it first), DH seems a trifle trivial and even SHALLOW. Ah, but what great fun! The lines spewed out by friends and nemesis alike were wickedly funny to say the least. I suspect the series is so popular simply because, despite all its frivolity, the characters speak to each one of us.

Some how or other, we can identify with any one of the characters there in the show. My better half so identify with Lynnette. Even to the extend of asking me "Do I smell bad?" after watching the episode where Lynnette's hubby complained that she smelled bad when he was romancing her. She smelled bad because she was up all day taking care of 3 little brats... I meant boys and a baby who kept throwing up on her. I reassured her that she doesn't smell bad though occasionally her fingers do smell of garlic or onion in bed. It doesn't turn me off. In fact, it made me more appreciative of her as these were the very hands that prepared a lovely dinner earlier. I have peeled onions and garlic before and trust me, the smell stays a long long time!

Who do I identify with? A bit of everyone I guess. Let me tell you who are my favourite characters. I think Lynnete's husband (Tom I think) is a superb man. And he does so LOVE his wife, smell and all. But the character that I really admire is ....no, not Gabby, though she has such a lovely face and superb body...but CARLOS! Yup, Gabby's hubby! Why? I know he isn't really a saint. We all know he isn't. But up to the episode that I have watched so far, he came across as some one who worked so hard to give his wife everything that she desires. He truly loves his wife and unfortunately is in constant fear that his beautiful wife would two time him. And Gabby was truly a two-timing materialistic woman! She had an affair with John, her young handsome latino gardener. Of course Carlos doesn't know about it. I expect, if he had known, he wouldn't be quite so loving.

Which reminds me of a character right out of the Old Testament in the Bible. God asked Hosea to go marry Gomer, a "loose" woman, if you know what I mean. And Gomer proved to be very unfaithful indeed, running off with other men, selling herself. And yet, God told Hosea to continue loving her and even to take her back. Now, Hosea takes her back and loved her DESPITE knowing that this woman is unfaithful. If Carlos had been Hosea, I expect Gomer to be 6 feet under in some desert some where.

HIS point? God tells us through the love affair between Hosea and Gomer, that He loves us despite knowing we are such an unfaithful human race, so frivolous, so shallow, so full of secrets and badness, so...unlovable. And yet, He continued to love us. And His love culminated in the historic event one Christmas a long long time ago, when He sent Jesus, His Son, to come to us, be like us, lived among us, loved us...even to death...just so He could have us back! That is LOVE!

Have a Blessed Christmas everyone! May God once again fill our desperate desperate hearts with His love.

UNHOLY SMOKE!

I don't think we will ever win the battle to get people to stop smoking. This picture shows a bunch of people who are staff of the hospital I work in happily puffing away in the cafetaria right under the sign that says "No Smoking". Why can't we win? Because there is no enforcement (as with most laws in this country). Why is there no enforcement? Because the very people who are supposed to enforce it are smokers themselves. That said, a significant number of my fellow doctors are smokers too!

The deleterious effect of smoking can only be seen 20-30 years down the road. I am sure the government knows very well that smoking is bad. There is a well established causal link between smoking and lung cancer and a host of other diseases. Is it doing enough to curb smoking? No!..why? Because the immediate profit from tobacco sale appears far more enticing that the long term loss in treating the bad effects of smoking.

Just so you know, the cost of chemotherapy for lung cancer is anything between 8K to 20K depending on what is the type of cancer and the chemotherapy agent used. That is assuming that the cancer can be treated. A chest physician in my department estimated that we will see an epidermic of lung cancer some time in 2020! Yup, Malaysia Boleh indeed! Yessiree, we will PAY for it eventually.

My advise? If you gotta smoke, don't exhale...

Of "Enchanting Breasts" and "Inconviences"

Saw this huge sign board on my way home from Malacca. It says "ENLARGE YOUR BUST. ENCHANTING YOUR LIFE!". Personally I think breasts are beautiful. I mean, it's one of those things about women that sets the hearts of red blooded men pitter-pattering away. Nothing wrong in that. God in His wisdom has designed women just that way and we, men, are eternally grateful. But, for the life of me, I just cannot comprehend how by enlarging one's breast, her life would be enchanting!!! Frankly I have never seen any man or woman being enchanted by enlarged breasts! Perhaps the sponsors meant "enhancing" rather than "enchanting". Still, I don't see how anatomical enhancement can translate into life enhancement. A lot of room for debate there.



The lifts in my hospital are currently being upgraded (a kind of enhancement i guess). It's a bane actually because it meant that now there are only 3 very very old (ie. slow) lifts servicing the same number of hospital staff and patients and visitors. But we bear with it, hoping that once the upgrading is done, life would be a lot easier. The poster above is pasted on EVERY floor on this 14 floor building. It's just English down the sewage. A terrible shame actually. Don't these people have anyone competent enough in English to proof read these posters before they are displayed? Sigh! I am all for Manglish but this is just plain BAD. So inconviencing-lah!

I saw a banner hung at a road corner near my church. Unfortunately I did not have the chance to photograph it. Perhaps the ones who put it up realised the typo error and promptly took it down rather quickly. Ever wonder why corruption is so rife? Well, that banner said: "School Holiday Art and GRAFT classes available. Enrol now!". Go figure. Sigh.

A Beautiful Wedding

I went for Edmund's wedding over the weekend in Malacca. It was held last Saturday evening at the Renaissance Hotel in the heart of Malacca town. Getting a room there to stay the night was out of the question as it was fully booked. In the end I got a room at the Straits Meridian Hotel near the Malacca Hospital. From outside, the hotel looked dingy at best but once inside, we (my family) were pleasantly surprised! Their tag line "A small hotel with a big heart" said it all. The room was a nice cosy one with a small functional kitchen, a clean shower and toilet (unfortunately there was no bath tub) and a small cosy living room. All for RM150per night inclusive of breakfast for two! There was a small swimming pool at the terrace (notice, everything is "small"). Unfortunately the weather was at its most foulest, so my kids were bored to death in the hotel room for 2 days watching "Chicken Little" on DVD over and over again. Sigh.

Back to the wedding. It was simply beautiful! I heard that Edmund's sister was the wedding planner. Well, she certainly did a great job. I think she should go professional! The seatings were all pre-arranged. I was seated at table 29. Being a stickler for time there was no one there at the table when i reached. Traditionally its fashionable for any wedding function to start late and Edmund's wedding was not an exception. Table 29 was just perfect! So close to the stage and the multimedia screen!

I was hoping that my fellow table mates would be people I know. I hate to eat alone no matter how good the food is! And I was no disappointed. Most of those who eventually sat there were doctors, and they were people that I knew, though only casually. Conversation is easy if you have common ground..you know, like discussing a child's milestones (2 of them were paediatricians), tumors and abdominal surgery (2 were surgeons) and infectious diseases (one was an ID specialist).


And the wedding begun! The lights were dimmed and the door swung open and the 2 bride's maid appeared followed by the father of the bride and the bride behind him! And the groom? Edmund was at the stage, holding a mike and crooning (yes, CROONING) the classic "When I fall in love..." and bride responded like-wise in the second stanza! Man, I didn't know my fren Edmund could sing!!! Woooosh! Knocked the wind out of me! That was superb man! Way too cool!

After the song, the bride (Caroline) and the groom proceeded up the stage and cut the wedding cake. Then the feast began! No need for me to write about the food, it was just simply superb and delicious! I didn't take any pictures of the dishes. It would be impolite to be snapping away at what people are obviously delighting in.

Then, the multimedia presentation began. It's an "in" thing in almost every wedding that I have been to. The music accompanied slide show depicted the early years of Edmund and Caroline. It also included shots from their wedding album. You know, I think they look alike! And that's good! Heh heh!



The traditional "Yum Seng" (chinese for the "toast") time came but not before Edmund and Caroline performed the wine pouring ceremony! Before that Edmund sprung another surprise...he played the piano while his sister sang a song! This is one multi-talented guy!


Right after the yum seng, Edmund sprang another surprise! He danced with his wife on the stage. How romantic! They were soon joined by his father, George and Edmund's sister. I think that was really nice.


One thing that impressed me most at the dinner was the part where couples came out with their partners and danced to some golden oldies tunes. I mean, these elderly couple were really good, no evidence of arthritis anywhere! And they looked as if they truly enjoyed dancing! Memo to self....to learn ballroom dancing in my golden years! Heh heh!
!

All in all, it was a truly memorable wedding and certainly a beautiful one. Congrats Edmund and Caroline! May God richly bless you as you start a new chapter in your lives as husband and wife

Dinner with Haris

We had dinner with Haris last Tuesday at the La Risata Italian Restaurant. Haris wanted to eat italian food (I wonder if it's Brad Pitt's favourite food as well!). It was supposed to start at 8 pm. Nizam, Sash, Yusof and I came fashionably late (30 minutes late..because Sash overslept!) to find Maz, Zanapiah, Haris and wife, Edmund and wife waiting patiently for us. Ramani came really fashionably late (1 hour later) because she got lost. KM understandably declined to join us.

Actually it's the first time that we all got together to have a meal. I realised during the revision course with our fellow colleagues from HUKM that we were so different from our counterpart in HUKM. There, each of them have a partner to study with and they tend to do things together. Here, we are individualistic, prefering to do things alone. I think it's a great disadvantage to do things alone. I have always believed that there is strength in number. Unfortunately for the life of me, I could not get anyone to study with me during the period leading up to the exam. Thankfully most of us made it!

Back to the dinner. The place was painted a gaudy red. My camera phone with its low resolution made things worst. I DO NOT have tremors for the record. So, pardon the shaky pics. You won't be able to see Haris well in the pic above. Its kinda blur. I like to think he prefered it that way.

The food? Well, as expected, they were pricey to say the least. I didn't think they tasted very nice either. We all ordered appetisers. Most of them ordered something called "Bushetta" (sure sounds like some waste product of bovine nature). It's actually just garlic bread topped with some chopped up marinated tomatoes. Not too bad especially when you are starving.

I decided to try something different. I ordered fried calamari, sharing it with Yusof and Sash. I swear the italian chef inside the kitchen must have been either a health conscious freak or he lost his salt shaker. The calamari (SQUID) were totally bland. Another plausible explaination could be that the squids were actually FRESH water variety, having made an incredible evolutionary jump from sea water to river water! So, between the 3 of us, we wasted half a bottle of salt on the calamri in order to get it down.

Almost everyone ordered some kind of fruit juices. I, being post call and having not slept much the night before decided to go for coffee. The ice coffee served was about 1:1000 the dilution of ANY Kopi-ping (ICED COFFEE) I can get from any restaurant. I was hoping that some caffeine would keep my eyes opened. Alas! I was denied the fix!

Nizam ordered something which actually tasted rather nice. I forgot the name but the pic is on the left. I believe they used a microtome to slice the meat!!! You could almost see through it! But it tasted good.


For the main course, Zanapiah ordered sea food spaghetti which was rather tasty but a tat spicy. Sash decided on John Dory which really (pardon me) resembled something that the dinosaur left behind in one of the Jurassic Park movies. The Dory was disappointing (I guess the same chef must have prepared it). It was bland, bland, bland!!!!



I can't remember what Yusof had even though he was just sitting next to me. (Shows how tired I was!). I decided on Fettucine with scallops. It was nice but rather pricey (RM28 for a small plate!). Nizam ordered the same thing and commented that he didn't like it. "Baby Food" he said.

But the company was great! It was the first time all of us had a look at Edmund's bride to be (they are tying the knot tomorrow!). My only gripe was that the table was square so we couldn't really talk to everyone. But laughter and jokes filled the air. A great sense of relief can be felt in the air. And most of all, a sense of gratitude to GOD who made it all possible through a great guy named Haris. Thanks again Haris! May we all become physicians with a heart like yours.

GYM MEMBERSHIP

I joined the gym! It's one of the things that I would reward myself with if I passed the exam. Actually, I received a trial 2 week membership at the Clark Hatch chain of gym from my credit card for my birthday. And so, I decided to try it out. I went to the gym at PJ Hilton, the one nearest to my workplace. I liked it the moment I stepped into the gym.

The reception was warm. They welcomed me even though it was a freebie thingy. I was ushered into the gym area and left to my own devices. Why do I like the place? Well, first and foremost, it was NOT noisy! I have been to another gym before and came out with significant hearing loss. The pounding music there easily have given me arrythmias. No point going to a gym to become deaf and worst still die of a heart attack there!

The music in the changing room at Hilton was piped-in jungle sounds complete with bird chirpings. It was relaxing indeed. The sauna and steam bath were well maintained and clean. The showers were spotless. In the other gym, they also had piped-in music, but by the likes of songs by 50 cents, 45 sens, 30 sens, ACDC, KISS, you catch my drift.

And the crowd...such a pleasant lot in PJ Hilton! Most them were professionals and there for some serious workout. There weren't that many people and no one hogs the equipments. I had pleasant conversations with a guy from Switzerland and another from UK. Locals included lawyers and doctors. In the other gym, most were there to see and to be seen. Not to say there aren't any at Hilton, in my two visits there so far, I have only seen one person who stared at himself in the mirror expressing lots of love and admiration for himself! I must admit he did have killer abs and a well toned body. Probably a model. Well, since he obviously worked very hard on his body, I suppose he has the right to admire it right, even publicly.

And the one that clinched it all? They did not hassle me into joining the gym. There was no hardlined propaganda, no pressure whatsoever. In the other gym that I visited, I had to endure 30 minutes of "talk" by this PR officer who was interested in everything about me, from my stats, to my leisure activities to how much i bring home every month, before I was allowed to go into the gym. And then he outlined a possible workout routine for me that would suit my preference (Like making a Brad Pitt out of me in 6 months....frankly I think it will need a miracle, plus face transplant) and basically trying to get me to sign above the dotted line. Sigh! I was so hassled, I lost interest in exercising.

So, I joined the gym at Hilton. Wasn't cheap but not atrociously expensive either. An extra day doing locum ought to cover the monthly expenses. They have a pool to boot, so that's a big plus. My goal? Basically to keep this old faithful heart thumping heartily and get all these exam exhausted muscles toned up. Nothing more grandious than that. No ripping bulging muscles for me...I think I am way passed that age. Heh heh! They were no freebies when I joined up. No T-shirts to advertise for them, no gaudy colored bags with big gym logos on them, nothing! ...And I like it that way. (Heck, I don't want to be seen carrying a gym bag looking like anything but FIT!!!)

Anyone wanna join me?...

Slumber
Took this pic a couple of days ago at around 2.30 pm. She was obviously in dream land. She is part of the cleaning team in the hospital where I work.
Hmm..shouldn't she be working or something???

LOST!

Spent the last couple of days watching "LOST" in a marathon fashion. I have reached episode 10 so far. I am making up for lost time. I had to give up watching it when it first came on in Astro and later, on Channel 8, all because of my exam. Now it's payback time! Hence the marathon session. Thanks to Maz (the beauty i wrote about earlier, who has box sets of every single TV series you can name (she promised to lend me Desperate Housewives...goody!), I have the entire season 1 of LOST to watch.
And I must say, it's been great watching it.

I think whoever cooked up the idea for the show is a genius. I used to think, how interesting can it be for a bunch of fellas to be stuck on an island? I mean, we have seen "Survivor" and they all end up bitching and stabbing each other's back (hey..sounds like my workplace!!!). But NOOOO!, they don't do that in LOST! That's what makes it so engaging. There is no $1 million to be won, no one gets voted off the island, and the finale is not in New York or something.

Frankly I don't really have a favourite character in the show. I do, however, identify with Jack, the "hero" in the show. Okay, I know I am nowhere as beefy nor as good looking as he is (how can people look so good after a plane crash defies explaination) but... he is a doctor! The other similarity between him and me is that we both have dislocated shoulders (mine is on the left, his the right). Actually, it surprises me that he, as a surgeon, should know so much about medicine, gynaecology and what not. I have not met any surgeons in real life any where near that. Heh heh! Ah,but in fiction, doctors become superheroes and Mr-know-it-all, plus a body to boot and nice tattoos....and you've got a winner!

By the way, Jack's resuscitation technique sucks! You won't be able to save a dying chicken doing CPR the way he did, much less another human being. Much like what those gorgeous doctors and nurses do in "ER" as well. Sigh! Fiction is sometimes so removed from real life. In real life, most doctors are geeky, with spectacles, the nurses are married and way way waaaayyyyy overweight and there are no exciting background music accompanying any resuscitative attempts and more importantly, our success rate at saving some one in an emergency is dismal at best. Sigh! In the movies, everyone looks great, even after being on call 72 hours (after 72 hours, i can't even differentiate between day and night), the nurses look fresh out of an aerobic workout in Fitness First, the doctors are simply delectable, and ironically there is always ample supply of "O" negative blood to be transfused. (In real life, finding "O" negative blood is like finding gold).

Back to the show, whatever is said, Jack's character has "passion". Like I said before, i truly believe that one has to have "passion" in order to excel in what we do. And with passion, one will actually ENJOY doing something others may consider dull or mundane. I certainly love my work and enjoy doing it. I have no regrets leaving behind a good job, go overseas to pursue a degree in medicine and then spend close to a decade studying before I am what I am today. It's a calling. More on that someday.

I think "LOST" mirrors a very good biblical lesson for us who are Christians. These people are thrown into a sticky situation. They are marooned on an island where in each episode, they have to deal with some issues in their personal lives, some unsettled problems, something they have been trying to run away from. And I believe, for all the hostilities and mysteries present on the island that they are in, the island is there to help them deal with these issues.

Sometimes, God places us in sticky situations too, just so that we can come face to face with some unsettled issues in our lives. And more importantly, when the issue has been resolved, we come out stronger and wiser.

Now, where is Chapter 11....

Mission Accomplished!

Yup! Got the guy! Here is the last pic of those who passed the exam. Dr Zaidi, who cleared his Part 1. Congratulations to you! Keep going strong ya!

Maz!!!

I got her pic! The other elusive one! She is a beauty isn't she? And she has BRAINS to match! Here is another future ID physician. And I am sure she will make an excellent one. She has the passion! I think to be a good physician, you gotta have passion for what you do. Congrats Maz...so proud of you!!!!

Now, if only I can catch Zaidi....

Ramani

It's no use. I tried my best. I just could not get a shot of this elusive lady. She is real shy you see. Heh heh! Anyway, congratulations to you Ramani, I am so proud u! She will be a Rheumatologist in the future!

More on Hardip

Hardip was an atypical Punjabi guy. His hair was cropped short, no moustache and thinly built. He wasn’t particularly religious in anyway, except perhaps just before his exams when he will make the little trip to a temple to offer a little “pooja”. One thing in common with almost all Punjabis that I know is that he was a real hirsute guy! I think just about every inch of his body is covered with hair!

When he first moved into my room, he was already in the second year of his 3 year Bachelor of Pharmacology degree course. He was hardly ever in the room, preferring to spend the time around town or in his friend’s rooms just opposite mine. And together, they can really raise a ruckus. He and his friends (ironically, none of them were Punjabis, they were all from Andhra Pradesh) had this annoying habit of walking around in their under wears! Initially I wasn’t used to seeing a 90% hairy naked guy walking around in my room but after a while, I didn’t notice anymore. He just blended in. Heh heh.

There are a few things that Hardip did that made an impression in my memory. Once, when the monsoon rain finally came (thank God!!!!!), he came back shirtless, soaked to the bone and clad only in his soaked jeans and was almost delirious with joy! Seems that he and his bunch of friends celebrated the arrival of the monsoon rain by doing a little dance in the rain! You know, these people really celebrate with their wholeheartedly! I learnt from them that it is ok to let our emotions take over sometimes and truly enjoy something, even deliriously. If you have ever endured 5 months of a typical Indian summer, you would welcome monsoon rain with much euphoria too! Well, I did, though I didn’t dance half naked in the rain! Heh Heh!

But the monsoon is not all joy. Where I stayed in India, the monsoon rain brings rain….LOTS of it, DAILY…for MONTHS!!! After a while, everything gets damp and moldy. Shoes have little mushrooms growing on them. Belts have a white coat of fungi on them. Clothes were perpetually wet and cold. There was no use for an umbrella in that kind of monsoon as the rain comes in all directions. In the end, I decided to do what most people did…buy a good pair of rubber boots, knee high (like Phua Chu Kang’s boots, only not in yellow) and a good trench coat which makes me look like a mafia boss in one of those Godfather movies. But they kept me dry and that’s what matters. Anyway, the monsoon is another story…so, back to Hardip.

Hardip drinks and smokes….like nobody’s business. But he was kind enough not to smoke in the room (me being totally against smoking and a teetotaler). He drank alot, especially on weekends when he and his buddies go out for a good time. Once, I woke up in the morning, turned around only to be confronted by Hardip’s naked hairy buttocks staring back at me! He was happily snoring away with his face to the wall. Apparently he came back stone drunk the night before and promptly fell asleep on his bed buck naked. I didn’t mention about it and he pretended that nothing happened. It stayed that way. I think both of us were embarrassed by the incident. He never slept that way again!

When “Holi” came, Hardip celebrated it whole heartedly as well! “Holi” is the Indian festival of color. On that day, people go around throwing colored powder on each other and splashing them with water from a bucket! At the end of the day, everyone was in a darker shade of red or blue or green (much like one of those B-grade zombie movies)! It was fun but it could get dangerous. Riders have been thrown off their motorcycles by colored water! This is one day in the academic year that I chose to miss classes. I stayed in the whole day till Holi was well over. I didn’t like the idea of being “colored”. Getting the color off the clothes was a formidable task, not to mention getting the color off any small orifices in the body where it may be stuck.

On “Holi”, ladies will tie little colored strings of bracelets on guys. These strings are called “rakhee”. Basically it tells that guy that the girl is now his younger sister and he has the responsibility to take care of her. I was told that this is a good strategy by some girls who didn’t particularly like to be pursued by certain guys. By tying the rakhee on them, it is a good and polite way of telling them “I am not interested to be your gal but you can be my big brother”. Heh Heh! Pretty good strategy I would say.

And so, Hardip came back at the end of Holi, a much darker shade of maroon as I could remember it, and totally soaked but overjoyed. I didn’t know what he did with his clothes. I never saw them again. He didn’t attempt to “color” me. I would have murdered him if he did.

Hardip has a particularly infectious laugh. It sounded very much like a hyena having a convulsion! And he really laughs a lot! He was easily tickled by any jokes and funny situations.

I think the greatest impact Hardip has had on me was when he introduced me to the works of PG Wodehouse! I am not sure how many of you have read books by PG Wodehouse and if you haven’t, I highly recommend it. He was the creator of the super-efficient butler called Jeeves. His books are filled with typical british humor. And what humor they are! Hilarious would be an understatement.

I have the entire collection of books by Wodehouse (books are cheap in India). Hardip really appreciated me buying the books. He truly enjoyed reading them. When I come back to the room in the night and hear a hyena convulsing 5 rooms down the aisle, I knew Hardip was devouring one of my Wodehouse books! And if in the still of the night when all is quiet and you could hear a pin drop, you hear a sudden burst of roar and laughter plus the sound of a convulsing hyena, you will know that both of us were reading Wodehouse! Try it if you don’t believe me.

One more thing about Hardip, to which I alluded to earlier in my blog when I was sitting for my exam, was the unusual way he would react when he was stressed. Whenever exams are around the corner, Hardip would get stressed up and he would start vomiting into the toilet bowl. It gets pretty bad on the day of exam. It would be a common sight to see him kneeling in front of the toilet bowl on the morning of his exam vomiting and retching away! Quite a funny sight actually. Like a very sick pregnant first trimester Punjabi. And by the time the exam got over, he would have miraculously recovered! I think it was all part of his Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Perhaps the most graphic memory I have of Hardip was the day when I came home from classes and found him half naked on his bed in a totally convoluted position and humming a guttural tune at the same time. I asked him “Hardip, what are you doing?” to which he replied “Oh, this is the yogic position for expelling air from the intestines!” Ugh! Well, that’s Hardip. I don’t know where he is now. He graduated before I did. Wherever you are Hardip, thanks for adding color to my life! It was sheer fun! J

Hardip..

Now that's one interesting character. When i was in India doing my medical undergraduate study, I had the priviledge of having a whole room to myself in the hostel. Thanks to my room mate who decided that he had enough of vegetarian food, perpetual hindustani music streaming into the room from other rooms and the crampy hot room; and so he moved out mid-semester. Since no one ever register for a course mid-semester, I had the whole room to myself....until...

A knock on my door woke me from my summer slumber (it's really really hot in summer there). I quickly got dressed (u can't possibly wear anything in that hot summer! heh heh!), and in my semi -comatose state opened the door. Standing there, smiling in a stupid kind of way, is this punjabi guy who is just about a head shorter than me (I am 183 cm) and he promptly announced in his heavily accented English..."Hi, I am Hardip and I am your new room mate"! I nearly had a heart attack! I mean, you know, i am a chinese guy and I am going to live with a punjabi! It's unheard of! I am not racist mind you but at that time, shock was all I could express. I mumbled something incoherently and he promptly stepped into the room...and into my life. Looking back, I am glad he did. It has been a very colorful experience. He stayed for a little more than a year and half. Funny that I do not have a single pic of him but I could easily picture him in my mind. Tell u more later.... Lunch beckons

December

is in my opinion, the best time of the year. The hustle and bustle of the year draw to an end. People begin to wind down and take things a little easier. All the nice movies will be playing in the theaters around this time. I am waiting to catch Narnia (hope it's as good as the book!), King Kong (loved the original, hope this one will be better) and whatever shows that may come next! There's an air of festivity all around and people are generally more cheerful (except for the lady in the Wira car this morning that simply refused to give way though i signalled like mad!...but that's another story; maybe she didn't believe in Santa anymore!).

Yup! Christmas is near! It's special alright. If I were to close my eyes and imagine a little, i could almost feel snow flakes on my skin! (the air con plus the monsoon outside help of course). But it's not special because of this. It's special because we are celebrating the birth of the King of kings! That's what makes it special. The simple story of the little babe born in a manger whose very birth changed the entire world. That's special. Christmas to me has always been a time to slow down, get quiet and reflect how the year has been; how my life has been and have I made a difference in anyone's life in year about to pass.



And December always brings with it a store of happy news. Glad tidings indeed! My son will turn 2 on Wednesday. We celebrated his birthday last Saturday. I don't think he understands the significance of his birthday but just like the babe who came and changed the world, Ryan's birthday has also changed my world. With my first child, Darlene, I became a father overnight! Ryan's birth makes me a father twice over and also gave me a precious opportunity to raise a man! Both of them are precious to me! I love them a lot. Ryan received a Fisher and Price toy set (whoever Fisher or Price is, I am sure they are millionaires by now judging by the cost of their toys!) which he immediately took a liking to. It's a toy set with fancy building blocks. I swear I have a little architect here or even an engineer as he can build the most amazing structures with his tiny hands....some even defy gravity!


Ben, one of my dearest friend, had his graduation convocation last Saturday. He is a male nurse in University Malaya Medical Centre where I work. Yes we have male nurses here. Florence Nightingale probably would have turned in her grave but, yes, with gender equality and all, we now have male nurses. And I think they do a pretty decent job (no, they need not wear skirts!). I first met Ben when he was still a student nurse, a little over 2 years ago. He has the distinction of being the ONLY CHINESE MALE NURSE in the entire hospital! He still holds the title. We became great friends. I really love this guy. He is like my own little brother. He would stick by me through thick and thin, and I would do the same for him. Well Ben, you did it! Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you! Sorry I couldn't attend your convocation! Will make up for it later ya!

Edmund, my dear colleague and friend, will be getting married end of this month! I will be going for his wedding in Malacca. Congrats Edmund! May God bless your marriage richly!

Dr Sargunan and Dr Nirmala, my seniors, will also be tying the knot next week! God bless you too!

Yup, I do so love December!

My first call as a specialist!

And I think i am about to have a heart attack!!! I could almost hear Peter Parker's uncle admonishing me..."With Great Power Comes Great Responsibilities"!!! Of course I can't climb walls (I wish I could.., as well as getting a muscular body by just a little spider bite, hecks, what's a little pain from the bite compared to months and years in the gym! Heh heh!

When I was a medical officer (That was what I was yesterday!), whenever I had a problem I could not handle, I can always pick up the phone and call my specialist on call. It's like a security blanket kind of thing. It's a very hierarchal kind of thing. The house officers (I can think of a movie to be made called..."Desperate House Officers!...live from Hysteria Lane!) will call the medical officers when they run into trouble in dealing with a patient; the MOs will call the lecturers/specialists if they run into trouble, and the specialists (God forbid! Shame on you if you can't handle a patient when you are already a specialist!) will..or rather, might, or even hesitate to call ...the Consultant! Gulp!

Now that I have been "promoted" to doing specialist call, there aren't that many people I can call when I run into trouble!

I've had a very busy day. My pager has been going off in an almost rhythmic irritating interval. Seems like everyone in the hospital has picked TODAY to develop complications and problems. It's a conspiracy, i can just feel it!

Just finished trying to resuscitate a lady who collapsed suddenly and passed away. I feel tired emotionally. I always do in times like this. She was admitted for a heart attack which was unfortunately complicated by bleeding in the intestine. We couldn't save her. We tried our best. I could feel the pain and grief in her son's eyes as I broke the bad news to him. It's a fine line between getting emotionally attached and keeping a cool clinical distance. Sometimes the line of distinction blurs. Yet, I know if I become too emotionally attached, I will become an emotional wreck, rendering me unfit to work. On the other hand, keeping too "cool" a distance will harden my heart, making me unfeeling, cold and clinical. Ironically that would also make me unfit to work. It's a fine line, and many of us have chosen to fall in the extreme of being cold rather than being an emotional wreck. God, help me keep the balance.

Haris- U the MAN!!!

Haris gave me permission to write about him. Anyway, I would still have written about him even if he had said "no". The only thing he requested was that i post Brad Pitt's pic instead of his better pic (in my opinion). Apparently he felt that he has a lot in common with Mr Angelina Jolie though I could not quite understand which part of his anatomy is blond. He swear that he is! Oh well, maybe it's at a place where the sun don't shine.

First met Haris about 2 years ago when he came on board as a hematologist. I was a medical officer posted in hematology at the time. He is UK trained. Here is one man, who in my opinion is one of the humblest guy around. He is kind, gentle and never once have i seen him raise his voice. And he treats his patients like they are royalties. I mean, if u ever (God forbid!) have a hematological problem, this is the man you want to care for you and treat you.

Haris was put in charge of organising the teaching and revision courses for the Masters in Internal Medicine students. A formidable task really. Prior to him coming aboard, we, the Masters students were like people lost in the sea. No directions whatsoever, and there was hardly any real teaching or guidance (I am being general here in case any sensitive soul got offended!). Well, this formidable man took on the formidable task and turned things around as only he could!

Which brings me to the question...why am I writing about him? Well, because of his untiring effort, it was possible for us to have a revision course in October this year, a month before the exam which we just took. What made the course different this time was that for the first time, as far as I know, the Masters students from HUKM (Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia) and us in UMMC (University Malaya Medical Centre) were able to sit together in a course. We got to know each other very well and the camadarie helped when the exam drew near. We could help each other with our discussions and any "tips" we got wind of. Twenty of us sat for the exam, 19 of us passed! Now, isn't that a significant success rate?

So, Haris, here's a HUGE thank you to you from from all of us. You were a great help to us and thanks for being on our side. Thanks for all the smses you sent to us, encouraging us along during the exam period. You are truly a gem! Thanks again Haris, you are truly the MAN! Well, I guess you DO have a lot in common with Mr Pitt...especially the heroic things he does in the movies and now he is Pakistan it seems dishing out humanitarian aid. That is noble indeed.

Another person I would really want to thank is a certain Prof Sweet Young Thing! Can't name him for the sake of the future generations of Master studentswho will be helped along. But Prof, I salute you. We are what we are today because of you. Thank you!